The holidays are a time of peaceful coexistence, when we can all put down the terrible divisions that have torn this country asunder and learn to love one another once again. That’s right, I’m talking about the Ford vs. Chevy divide that has eaten away at the very fabric of our great nation. How can we end this seemingly unendable rift, if only for the holidays? Mopar, that’s how. For the next few weeks, let’s all agree that it’s Mopar or no car, at least until New Year’s or so. And there’s no better way to show we’ve agreed on that than by doing all our Christmas shopping at the Mopar holiday website, www.wearmopar.com. It has everything you’ll ever need to live the total Mopar lifestyle, from beer cozies to ugly Mopar Christmas sweaters. Shoppers get 15 percent off from now till New Year’s Day, too. Read on and order. Happy Holidays!
Mopar Ugly Sweater $44.95
You will be the envy of all the other moms and dads at the socially distanced ugly sweater contest when you roll in sporting this loud, obnoxious Hemi-emblazoned polyester nightmare. Yes, that’s the backside of a massive Hemi V-8 mill on the front of the sweater, while the words “Do You Hear What I Hear?” are knitted into the back. You might even wear this ice fishing. Available in M, L, and XL, in black, blue, white, or orange. If you get the orange, you can also wear it for Halloween claiming you’re the Mopar Pumpkin or something. By that time it’s possible everyone will have forgotten that you wore it at Christmas, though not likely.
Mopar Crystal Holiday Ornament $29.95
“Baby, I want ta make this Xmas ultra-special so I bought you this here,” you can say as you hand this little number over before the crackling fireplace on Christmas Eve. See, cuz this ornament comes in its own custom gift box. It won’t be till later that you realize it’s possible your significant other might have seen that box and been expecting jewelry or something. Who knows how their thinking goes or why? By then, of course, it will be too late. This is how Christmas memories are made.
Mopar Reusable Cotton Face Mask $5.95
These days, you need one of those fancy face masks. May we suggest this handsome Mopar-branded cotton job. It says that not only are you taking your fellow citizens’ health and well-being seriously but that you’re doing your part to heal the Ford-Chevy rift.
Mopar Socks $17.95
Imagine curling up by the fire to read the Mopar parts catalog sporting a set of these handsome Mopar socks on your massive clodhoppers. Nothing could be finer.
Anodized Hex Nut Stretch Bracelet $39.95
Remember the unfortunate incident with the ornament a few items back? Well, here’s how you make it up to your better half: hand over one of these. You can probably even fit it into the same custom gift box that used to house the tree ornament. The S.O. will surely appreciate the threaded inner workings of each anodized nut and how the crown-jewel silver-look Mopar main link glistens in the moonlight. Hard to imagine this gifting could possibly go wrong.
Mopar Enigma Watch $69.95
What time is it? It’s Mopar time! When someone asks you for the time, you hold up your wrist, twist it toward them, and say, “It’s Mopar o’clock!” That joke will never get old, trust me.
Mopar Guitar $327.95
Okay, so say the ornament misunderstanding and the Mopar hex nut jewelry presentation did not go to your expectations. May we suggest you make things good by serenading your special someone with a song played on this Mopar guitar? Composing your own words and music couldn’t hurt, either. “Mah love fer yew is more powerful than a Hellcat Redeye an more everlastin’ than the hardened surface of a Mopar cam lobe . . . ” Surely that serenading wouldn’t go unrewarded?
Mopar Puffy Koozie $9.95
Now when you say “Hold my beer” just before doing something that will land you in tomorrow’s newspaper or find you immortalized on the internet forever, you can do it with this handsome insulated drink sleeve that will keep your frosty beverage cold.
Mopar Racerback Tank Top $15.95
That certain special someone will know that you appreciate all those hours in the gym or at Deepak’s Yoga Barn when you purchase one of these, featuring a “semi-fitted” “contoured racerback silhouette” with “bound self-trim neck and armholes.” Those armholes really come in handy when getting in or out of this thing.
Hellcrate Redeye 6.2-Liter Supercharged V-8 $21,807 (15% discount does not apply)
You’ll have to leave subtle hints around the house to get one of these delivered under the Christmas tree or stuffed into a stocking, like notes that say, “I want a 807-hp Hellcrate Redeye 6.2-liter supercharged V-8 for Christmas.” Leave no room for doubt. If the $21,807 price comes up, just point out that it’s considerably less than the full cost of a complete Hellcat Redeye Challenger. I don’t see how this logic could possibly fail. Happy Moparmas!
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